Gay Marriage - An End to Life on Planet Earth?

I've been sampling stories around the web about the state of the country and the Republican primaries, and I have to say my eyes have been opened.  I thought that the Iraq war and the drain on our nation's finances that it represents was one of the biggest issues confronting the United States in this election year.

Or maybe the shaky economy, hurt by the housing crash, the credit crunch, and the sudden drop in consumer confidence.

Or maybe even the threat of global warming, and the massive social, economic, and environmental changes it threatens to force upon us.

But no, I've apparently been mistaken.  To listen to our Republican friends, all these issues pale when compared to the gravest threat our country faces this decade - the erosion of traditional marriage, specifically by the tides of happy gay and lesbian couples lapping upon its banks.

In Iowa, for instance, one of the liberal, godless, activist courts is set to force gay marriage down the god-fearing Iowans' throats, and brave Governor Chet Culver has announced his plans to stand up and "do whatever it takes to protect marriage between a man and a woman."  I'd assume that would include hand to hand combat, if needed.

Then we have Mike Huckabee in South Carolina, his holiness be praised for reminding us what it is the gays really want: "I think the radical view is to say that we're going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and an animal."  Silly me - I thought gay and lesbian couples wanted to get married to each other and settle down in a house with a dog and a white picket fence, like everyone else.  But Mr. Huckabee has opened my eyes - it's really the dog these couples are after - oh, the howling we'll have to put up with at night if these dog-loving people get their way.

If you aren't up on the bible, Stephen Baldwin (the one from the movie Threesome) can help set you straight - "I don't believe that gay marriage is in line with God's word, which is found in the Bible... the Bible says that gay marriage is not acceptable."  I haven't been able to find that particular passage, though I did find the part about not eating shellfish, so I'm giving up on shrimp cocktails.  But I'd like to offer my sincere thanks to Mr. Baldwin for his assurances that the good book does indeed cover homosexual nuptials.

In Vermont, where the sudden onset of gay civil unions in 2000 has wrecked havoc with perhaps tens of straight marriages across the state, the newly formed Vermont Marriage Advisory Council is working hard to change that, and to prevent the unimaginable damage full gay marriage in Vermont would bring.  "We're very much opposed to changing the definition of marriage, because it is a very solid institution when properly understood," Stephen Cable, one of the group's founders, said.  Apparently those gay and lesbian couples clamoring for man on dog unions simply don't have the necessary understanding of the solidity of marriage, and that lack of understanding might make it collapse under the first heavy wind.

In Indiana, the Republicans are busy trying to put another constitutional ban on gay marriage on the ballot.  "...the people of Indiana need the opportunity to vote to protect marriage," Eric Miller, founder of Advance America, says.  So not only have the gays and lesbians misrepresented their ultimate aims here, the very solid institution of marriage has a fatal weakness, a kryptonite, if you will - it can fall apart if touched by too many gay or lesbian hands (or hearts).  So we need to build a protective wall around it to protect this most solid of concepts from the poor, misguided homosexuals with kryptonite hands.

John Stemberger, the head of Florida4Marriage.org, the group trying to qualify the constitutional ban on same sex marriage for the ballot in Florida, supplied the capper: "Same-sex marriage inflicts a vast untested social experiment on children, and that's an experiment that we're not willing to take."  You see, it's not merely the solid/collapsible institution of marriage itself that's at stake, nor the vast army of dogs and cats that we put at risk with gay marriage.  It's also the poor children, who have managed to survive this country's poor health care, no child left behind, and indoctrination in intelligent design in school have to suffer the final indignity - living with a same sex couple.

So turn your eyes away from the howling winds of global warming, the human bombs of the Iraq war, and the man knocking at your door from the bank who wants to take away your house.  Look over here, at the great gay menace, and vote for the nice white men who will keep you, your children, and your pets safe.

Let's get real.  This isn't about marriage, or children, or dogs and cats.  It's about the politics of fear.  DL Hughley said it best on Friday night on Bill Maher's show, Real Time.  Talking about Mike Huckabee's sudden, surprising defense of the Confederate Flag and his promise to change the constitution to prevent gay marriage, he said:

"...the flag to me, and just as well as the gay issue, is always code name for... "we'll keep you safe from gays and blacks, and keep this country where it's supposed to be, in our hands."

Wake up, America, and look at the man behind the curtain, not the smoke screen he's puffing out to keep you all blinded.  He's a lot scarier than the gay bogieman he'd like you to fear.

--Scott