The Sanctity of (Gay) Marriage

In her post on the Sun Sentinel website, writer Nancy Heist makes the case for sacred marriage, and I couldn't agree more.  I just don't agree that straight couples have a lock on the word sacred.

If we take out the strictly religious definitions of the word (since even in straight marriage is not limited to religiously inclined couples), we're left with these definitions:

--Dedicated or devoted to a single person

--Worthy of respect, venerable

And I defy anyone, including Mrs. Heist, to tell me that my 15 year relationship with Mark is not a sign of devotion and dedication.  Or that such a commitment is not worthy of respect.

Don't get me wrong - I'll be the first to congratulate her on her successful relationship.  God knows, it's hard enough just to find the right guy (or gal) and anyone who can keep a marriage fresh deserves my respect.

And here's where the title of this blog comes in, because I truly believe that gay marriage is a good thing for everyone.  Although it's hard to adjust to a new paradigm, I'd like to extend an olive branch to Nancy Heist and all the other folks out there who can make it halfway, to rights for gay and lesbian folks, but who are having a hard time getting the rest of the way to gay marriage.

So just for a moment, let's forget the religion part.  Let's see if we can agree on a few basics:

a) We're not trying to take the religion out of your marriage

b) We're not trying to force your church to marry us

c) Anyone who can stay together in a committed relationship deserves respect and recognition

d) Supporting committed couples is in the best interest of society at large

So even if you believe all the stereotypes - in fact, especially if you think that all gay people sleep around, that men are by nature inclined against commitment, or that gay culture has an unhealthy obsession with sex - then you should be for gay marriage.

Why not use societal pressure to enforce cultural norms?  It works for straight folks - couples stand before their friends and families (and if they choose, their God) and pledge to be faithful and to take care of one another whatever may come.  If your objections to gay marriage are really rooted in rational arguments, this should be a no brainer.  Getting gay couples to marry and commit to each other reduces promiscuity, the transmission of STD's, health care costs (happily married people live longer), and creates more positive role models for the next generation.

Of course, like many other social issues, much of the reason for opposition to the idea is not rationally based.  Though we like to come up with rational-sounding reasons to mask our own discomfort with unfamiliar ideas, at their base these objections are often rooted in fear or disgust, not rational thought and fact.

This is why even close friends who fully support our relationship can get a little squeamish when we kiss in front of them.  This is why gay-themed jokes almost never fail to get a sniggering response from straight men.

I understand this response.  I don't like it, but I get it.  Believe me, I get the same shudder you straight guys get when I think of men and women having sex.

But I believe we are rational beings.  That we can learn, if we have the courage to try, to put aside our base-instincts and gut-level reactions in favor of the greater good.

Think of it this way - who likes to picture their parents having sex?  Not one of you, I'll bet (and if you do, I have the number of a great therapist for you).  But would you take the next step and suggest that your parents shouldn't be able to get married because of your own personal disgust at what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom?

I am devoted to Mark, my partner of 15+ years, and our relationship is sacred and worthy of your respect, just as yours is worthy of mine.  And in our culture, we have a word for a committed, loving, long-term relationship between two adults.

It's called marriage.  And it's good for everyone.

--Scott