Gay Marriage Means Special Responsibilities, Too!

When you've been watching the debate over gay marriage for as long as I have, you start to see certain recurring themes in the debate.

One of these that we hear over and over is the whole "special rights" thing - the idea that we, as a gay couple, want rights not given to anyone else.

It's never quite clear what these "special rights" actually are - the right to be fashionable?  The right to front row seats at the oscars?  And yet, it's worked before - it stirs up resentment among straight folks, and obscures the very real civil rights issues involved.

Here's my favorite version of this little chestnut.  In an actual court case on gay marriage in NY in 2006, the court said:

"And about sex discrimination, it states that if gay people want to marry, they have every option to marry someone of the opposite sex and, since the sexes are equal in that regard, there’s no discrimination."

But why do these arguments work?

I've given this a lot of thought, and I think it's this - we keep asking for the rights we think we're due, and with a little help from these snake oil salesmen, we come off as a bit whiny, and, well, entitled (and don't get me started on that one).

So a new approach is needed here.  We need to grow up a little, and realize that it's not all about what everyone else can do for us.

When a couple gets married, it's true that there are many benefits that come to them automatically, including tax breaks, inheritance benefits, hospital visitation, and much more.

But we often overlook the flip side of the coin.  When a couple gets married, they also take on a number of responsibilities, including promising to support and care for each other - and not just emotionally.

When people legally marry, they take over the burden of each other from society.  They promise to help pay the debts their spouses have or may incur.   They agree to create a stable relationship that will further the stability of society, and they become fiscally responsible for any children the relationship bears.

Right now, without the rights and responsibilities of civil marriage, we can pretty much do what we want.  If the relationship isn't working, we can walk out the door at any time, no repercussions.  There's no law that says we each own half of what was earned during the relationship.  And if one of us has a child, the other partner has no legal rights unless they go through the adoption process.

If we're going to ask for the door to legal marriage to be opened, we need to remember that we're not just asking for a candy-colored basket full of "special rights", but also a new set of responsibilities to society and to the one we love.

We need to step up and say "we're ready".  Ready to shoulder our share of responsibility for each other for the good of our relationship and for the stability of our society as a whole.

And with that responsibility will come the associated rights and benefits of civil marriage.

Then maybe we can throw off the charge of "special rights" once and for all.

--Scott